Setting Expectations + Throwing them Out

It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything; having a second child to take care of with completely different needs than my first has been a lot of good and fun work for me.

My intention, several months ago, was to write a post about staying in the Lying In process and how to complete the two weeks, even when your brain (and possibly other people) tells you that you’re all healed and ready to go. This post will touch on that, and I think the more important task at hand is to look at the broader scope of postpartum healing.

After my first pregnancy, and successful home birth, and lying in experience + about 3 more weeks, I got back to my regular movement routine right away. My brain was going a little crazy with the anxiety I felt as a new mom, trying to keep everything together and trying not to rely on any one person too much. Moving my body was my way of being able to process all of that.

Over the last few years, I’ve gained some pretty important tools for myself that have not only transformed my life and my relationships with others, it has completely transformed the way that my preparation for birth, birth, and healing process has happened.

If I start to get into comparison about my body this time and last time, it seems that my body is taking longer to heal than before. It also seems like there is a lot more to heal this time, including something with one of the muscles in my mid back and the left side of my pelvis. When I stay in comparison of my own body now against my body almost 4 years ago, it’s really easy to travel down a rabbit hole and start being angry at my body. Having this relationship with my body, that just grew, carried, birthed, and continues to nourish my sweet boy is absolutely incorrect.

Postpartum healing takes longer than 6 weeks, or even 12. Healing from birth is so much more intricate than healing from a flesh wound, because of the impact that pregnancy has on all of the systems of the body. Here are some tips to helping you deal with whatever your postpartum healing may be:

  1. It’s ok if you get frustrated with your progress, and notice when you do, and get present to the incredible thing that you have done! And switch from comparison/judgment into appreciation and love!
  2. Don’t set unrealistic goals for yourself about getting skinny again. (can we start being honest about this please? When we say “Get my body back” isn’t this what we’re really talking about?)
  3. Do focus on healing scarring, diastasis recti, spinal alignment, and any other physical things.
  4. Do ask for help from people who love you and want to see you successful in your new role.
  5. Allow yourself to heal slowly, rest and take breaks from any routine you create for yourself. Remember there is no time frame to finish your healing in.
  6. Do meditate. Check out the Expectful App for some really amazing meditations for pregnancy, postpartum, couples, and pre-conception.
  7. Consider adding a collagen supplement to your diet if you don’t already. It takes around 18 months for the female body to regulate collagen production again after childbirth. (collagen is responsible for healing your body, and keeping things like your hair, skin, nails, in tip top shape)
  8. Do find a chiropractor/massage therapist or similar to support you in healing. I’ve recently switched to a new one, and I can’t tell you the difference it makes to have somebody who will spend time with you, and isn’t afraid to think outside the box. The new doctor I’m working with actually specializes in athletes, not women postpartum, and because he’s willing to ask questions and take his time, it’s working out really well. (Plus aren’t women who have had babies athletes? I think yes)
  9. Do enjoy this new time in your life! Your baby will only be a baby for a short amount of time, and spending this time watching them grow is so precious.


There is so much that we consume on a daily basis. We are constantly in consumption mode unless we are creating. I realized that my time and the things I was consuming on a constant basis were not things that actually feeding or inspiring me in the way I wanted. On my social media accounts, I was seeing and reading things that either made me sad, angry, jealous, resentful, or sent me into comparison. In my emails, I realized I was getting a bunch of junk, and it was taking time away from other things I wanted to be doing so that I could delete it.

Before Finn was born, I was in hyper nesting mode, and took the practice of creating my physical space into the cyber world and began to create that space for myself as well. I don’t currently have the intention to give up social media, because I actually think it can be useful and connecting if used in the right context, I did want to shift what I was looking at to support me in being in choice in my life, and not in reaction.

So over a few weeks, I took the time to start to unsubscribe from emails, posts, and accounts that either took to much time to deal with, or caused me to feel icky in some way. I also then took the time to follow accounts (really only on instagram) that supported something that I’m up to in my life: motherhood, cooking, inspiration, yoga, etc.

Its amazing how much more pleasant social media has become! And that because I’m clear on what I want to cultivate in my mental space, I can begin to do that in the things that I intake as well.

Have you done a social media cleanse before? Would you consider doing one? How would your best self be supported if you did one?


11 Essentials for the New Mom

I’ve been working on compiling things that have been essential in either or both periods after having my boys, and I wanted to share them to support you in any way that you might need.

  1. A salt lamp I keep one on my bedside table and the soft pink light is perfect for middle of the night feedings-I can still see my baby without the harshness of a regular light. The salt of the lamp is also supposed to be purifying for the air and release negative ions to balance out your space.
  2. Bamboobies nursing pads It’s amazing what the female body is capable of doing-including feeding a human being. One thing I didn’t know when I was pregnant with Lincoln was what exactly would happen while I was nursing and sometimes when I wasn’t-you leak milk! So to avoid an interesting conversation starter of your shirt suddenly becoming wet, I recommend these nursing pads which are reusable (just wash and dry). Better for the environment than the ones that you throw away! I am using the ones I bought 3.5 years ago-they are really good quality.
  3. Nursing Tank These are essential especially in the first several months when nursing is frequent! This is my go to for a pj top (with a pair of bamboobies, because who wants to wake up in the middle of the night soaked? Not me). Also great if you need a layering piece under something else while you’re out and about.
  4. A good nursing bra Read the article linked so you can figure out what is best for you. Note that it isn’t recommended that you wear one with an underwire (underwire bras actually aren’t great for women in general…), and that you will need to size up probably. The ones that I have had the best luck with are from Motherhood Maternity, which frequently has sales, and they also carry sports nursing bras, which is important as most of my bras fall into that category. I thought I could get away with not buying many and just using regular sports bras, and I found that it was much more comfortable and easier when I needed to nurse to have an actual nursing bra.
  5. Yoga Pants You can get these everywhere now days, and I linked the ones that are on repeat in my wardrobe. What I love about these pants is the high waist, the softness, and the stretchiness. I have other high waisted yoga pants, and these are the most comfortable, and I would like to campaign for every mother to get a pair as soon as she has her baby.
  6. Burp cloths I love this company a lot. We have quite a bit of their stuff (and even had an additional blanket at one point before one of our dogs got a hold of it and ate part of it). These burp cloths double as bibs once baby starts teething and is drooling everywhere. The quality is fantastic and we are using all of the ones we got for Lincoln again with Finn. We also love their swaddles, crib sheets, changing pad covers, body wash, and blankets. Stock up!
  7. Mothers Love This is a fantastic product for your nipples! (so much about breasts on this particular blog post and really, you’re using them quite a lot during the first few months). If your baby has a bad latch (get some support from a lactation consultant), and use this to help with any cracking or soreness. It’s safe to use and safe for the baby to ingest. Also doubles as diaper rash cream.
  8. Clothes for baby. Tea Collection is one of my favorite brands. It definitely isn’t cheap  due to sustainable practices (wait for sales!), and their clothes last a long time.
  9. A good water bottle We love hydroflask at our house-their insulated carafes keep beverages cold or hot 12-24 hours. With the amount of water you will need to stay hydrated-I recommend getting a container that will hold more than a glass of water so you don’t have to refill as frequently.
  10. Body Oil You (like I did) may experience some dry skin while your hormones balance out. I’m used to having really soft, moist skin, so the dryness threw me off. This is still my favorite go to body oil. Coconut oil works well too, and it traps heat, which may not work depending on time of year.
  11. Bathroom support Everybody poops. (remember that fun book?) And apparently we don’t do it as efficiently in the west. According to the pelvic floor research I’ve done, being in a squat position while you go supports your overall pelvic health. Plus it makes it easier. After birthing a baby, you can deal with all kinds of issues when going to the bathroom: hemorrhoids, constipation, etc. This will help things stay moving. If you don’t want to invest in the device, try a couple of yoga blocks, or stick your bathroom trashcan underneath your feet.


Cultivating Practices that Nourish

In her book, “The First Forty Days”, Heng Ou refers to it as the time to nourish the mother. It is the time when the mother is healing and a time when nourishment for her is highly important.

There are so many practices we can have as women (and men too), and in my experience of taking care of myself, I’m not always practicing things that nourish myself. Sometimes things are done out of necessity, out of habit, out of lack for other options, out of boredom, out of convenience, or out of what is socially promoted.

In this 40 days (and really 6 full weeks), I’ve been curious and interested in practices that nourish me, and as I am taking care of myself and my little boys, making sure that I am choosing things that fall into line with the intention to nourish myself. Here are some practices that might be beneficial to you during the period of your first 40 days, or any time in your life where you see that it would be useful and beneficial to nourish yourself. (some of these came from my sister who just had her second as well)

  1. Taking 2 weeks (at least!) to lie in bed. I can’t tell you what a difference this made for me in my recovery. To be taken care of by people in my life so that I could rest and recover from birth (literally the most intense #legday of my life), allowed me to jump start my healing process so that I could actually recover.
  2. Taking herbal baths to help with your postpartum healing. This is one of my favorite things I do after having a baby. Warm baths with brewed herbs that work together to heal your body. I use this recipe and add in witch hazel. These baths are also great for you new baby to join you in, as they speed the cord healing and recovery as well. Taking the bath’s with Finn and Linc allowed for extra sweet bonding time.
  3. Massage and/or Chiropractic Care. I have done both of these during this time, and both have made a difference for me in my body recovering and healing from pregnancy and birth. I was visiting the chiro quite a bit during pregnancy in addition to getting massages. After I had Finn, my legs were so sore from laboring mostly on my feet, and then having him standing up. (The pressure that it caused on my legs to birth him while standing is what I would equate to holding 150-200 lbs) Getting a massage helped loosen those muscles up and allowed me to be more comfortable. If possible find a therapist who will come to your house, and if possible give you the massage while you are in your own bed. This was important as Finn was just a few days old and wanted to nurse 10 minutes into my massage. The chiro is great to start getting everything realigned again. Once your body is in a state of anatomical neutral, I believe that it will heal itself much more powerfully.
  4. Drink lots of water. I was much thirstier post delivery than I was in my entire pregnancy. My body needed the water to produce milk, and to flush my system after all of that hard work. There were a few nights where the sheets felt damp because I was sweating so much (thanks hormones!). I almost always have 2 things of water next to my bed and have to have water nearby especially when I get ready to nurse Finn.
  5. Eating things that nourish different parts of you. You are still growing a human being even after you push them out of your body. Even if you don’t nurse, you are still energetically taking care of a small human being who literally cannot do anything without you. This requires you to eat. With your teeth. Your body needs fuel to continue doing what it needs to do to heal and repair itself. So eat things that will do that for you. This isn’t a good time to try and lose any weight you put on during your pregnancy. If you think about the difference between something like a green juice and a balanced meal (that includes protein), the meal will most likely be the thing that nourishes you most of the time. If you really want a green juice-have it, and make sure it’s paired with food that you need your teeth to help you digest. One thing that I have craved (and did right away after birth) was chocolate. So I’ve been eating good quality chocolate to satisfy my craving and nourish whatever part of me needs that. Also donuts. Because they’re delicious.
  6. Bone Broth. Make it, buy it, ask your mom to make you soup. Bone broth contains things like collagen that help you repair your systems from the inside, out. These are warm and nourishing, and I’ve found that even though we are in the middle of the hottest month in Texas, that the soups are really comforting and delicious. Before Finn was born, I made several recipes from The First Forty Days book, that are absolutely delicious, and froze them. Those have been great to have as my husband has gone back to work.
  7. Bibliotherapy. Read some books! I thought I would spend more time watching Netflix, and for some reason I wasn’t interested in anything on there (except the Great British Baking Show), and a lot of things felt too intense to be in my recovery space. So I read instead. I think I’ve read close to 10 books. Going to the library was also a great activity for Brandon and Lincoln to do when they needed to get out of the house.
  8. Napping! Take a nap! I was surprised how much more tired I felt this time around. Maybe because I’m older than last time, maybe because I have a toddler, maybe because it’s so hot here…I’ve needed more rest. In the first several weeks I took a nap (even if it was only 45 min) everyday. This allowed me to have a pretty even disposition consistently.
  9. Meditation. My sister has a verse from Psalms that she has been meditating on, and I’ve been using a declaration (similar and not the same as an affirmation).  This has given me something positive to bring my attention to, when I need it, and like a chiropractic adjustment, brings my mind back to neutral/my highest and best. I really like the verse she was using, and I will probably incorporate that into my practice as well.
  10. People. This could be one of the most important of them all. Have people support you and visit you that nourish YOU! This isn’t a time for you to entertain or  have people over because you feel obligated. Obligation is the opposite of nourishing and will drain your energy. Ask for support and visits from people who will support you in your time of rest, and people that will step up if needed. This may also require you to ask certain family members to wait to visit until you’ve given yourself the space to rest and heal. Remember that you are recovering, not on display for people to see.

Which of these practices sound most nourishing to you? Are there any that you would add to this list or take away?

The First Forty Days: Lying In-Creating a Context

I am 3 weeks and half-way through my first 40 day period after birthing baby #2. It’s been such an incredible experience, and very different from the first time. Because my life feels like one experiment after the other, and I am constantly collecting data and looking at why things happen a certain way, I thought sharing my experiences of lying in would be useful to anybody who might be considering the process.

First I want to create a little context for you of a greater “why” of this process. Your body does a lot of work creating a human being. (it’s why pregnant women are so tired/hungry/hangry/emotional for the duration of their 9-10 month pregnancy). When it’s time to birth that baby, whether you do it with or without drugs, or have a c-section, your body again does a lot of work in a short amount of time to get the baby out of your body. (also, having a c-section, is considered surgery, and this, no matter how routine, still is a lot for your body). To summarize this part: your body did a lot of work for the better part of a year + and then did a lot of work in a short amount of time = your body is tired. And there is often something to heal physically from: a tear, an episiotomy, or surgery. ( No matter how in shape you are, or healthy or anything). This period also gives you the time you need to bond with your baby and if you are planning on breastfeeding, it will give you time to practice it lots (newborns nurse frequently! they nurse for comfort and for food. so plan on doing that plenty in this time).

Once your baby is here (hooray!), your body is going to continue to work (especially if you are breastfeeding) to now adapt to your baby being outside of your body. This looks like organs shifting around, your uterus contracting to get back to its almost original size, your ligaments regaining their tone, and your pelvic floor regaining tone. This is not an overnight process. Nor is it happening within the first week-and it’s not supposed to. Your body is innately intelligent and know’s what it’s doing, and it doesn’t care how fast your mind thinks you should be getting back to things. All of this process of your body’s insides returning to normal takes around 6 weeks. (Which is why doctors don’t recommend you doing things like exercising, having sex, lifting heavy things, etc. until at least 6 weeks after your baby arrives.) These things take time.

So what happens if you override your body’s need for rest, bonding time with baby, etc and you get back to it too soon? From what I’ve gathered from my experiences and listening to other women’s stories about this period right after birth, the results from rushing back to it all are: exhaustion, baby blues, prolonged post-birth bleeding, anxiety or the feeling of not being able to do it all, to name a few. (Unfortunately I don’t have anything to reference here because it doesn’t seem like our medical community is studying the correlation between how a woman rests postpartum and her long term health.)

The idea is to take this time to slow way down, so that you have the capacity to do the things you want to do when the time comes to do them. Essentially-slow down to speed up.

Prior to Lincoln’s birth (my first), when I made the choice to do this period of rest, the context I created for myself for this time was something along the lines of: “Do it because it’s good for you, and do it so you can hurry back to your life and get on with things.” I had major concerns of FOMO (fear of missing out) towards the end of my pregnancy with Linc, and I wanted to prove that I could make my life just the same as it was before, as if I was somehow trying to hide the fact that I had become a mother. It was this mentality that caused me a lot of unease in the first few weeks (months) of being a mom and looking back now, prevented bonding with Lincoln on some level.

As I was preparing for Finn’s birth and the lying in period, I created as a space that I was looking forward to be in. I imagined it as a sweet space I would have (not knowing how my birth would go, how my baby would be, or what my healing would look like) to rest, connect with my baby, watch the relationship between my sons grow, bond as a family, and connect with friends in a sweet and simple way. I think it was in the creation of this intention/vision for myself that has allowed me to take this time in a completely different way than before. Because each birth is different, giving yourself the freedom to rest and recover slowly and over time will bring so much more ease and joy to your experience as a mama. Preparing for your birth and this process takes forethought and planning, and for you to look ahead and see what might get in your way along the way. (see questions below for a start)

This topic is important to me because it occurs to me that we have created an incorrect agreement in our society that women should be a certain way or be doing certain things once they’ve had babies: like we are supposed to be getting back to something, like we have to pretend that we didn’t just have a baby and move on with our lives as quickly as possible. This is a pretty uncommon practice in America, and though, it’s a pretty common practice in almost every country. When I had Lincoln, and was preparing for becoming a mom, I wish I had more to read about the postpartum period, and so I’m writing my experience to support other women in their journey becoming a mama.

My friend Megan said it so perfectly and succinctly about this period of time, ” Just because everybody isn’t doing this yet, doesn’t mean that everybody shouldn’t be doing this.”

Would you consider the lying in process once you had a baby? Why or why not?

Questions for reflection for your lying in period:
1. What if your desired outcome for the first 2 weeks postpartum? 4 weeks? 6 weeks?
2. What do you foresee could stand in your way of achieving your desired outcome?
3. Who do you need to ask for support from so that you can achieve your desired outcome?


A german word that means the time between or interval. This is where I am currently suspended. Just a few days past my due date with baby #2. My practices have become to breathe, and to stop an look around me for what is good, what is now, and what will never be again. This baby will only be in my body a short time longer, my body won’t be pregnant again (for awhile at least), my movements and activities can be done a with more ease while baby is cocooned safely in my body, and my attention can be put on Lincoln, Brandon, and anything else I want it to be on.

There are so few intervals that we experience in life-and when we do, they are often met with anxiety, or impatience (and yes, too, excitement). Again, it’s the practice of being present with what is right now, not what will be, that will allow for more ease. Lack of ease creates tension, and with tension there is lack of movement. Lack of movement creates stagnation and possibly more tension. And when we’re talking about birthing a baby, a lot of tension and holding is the last thing I’m going for.

Allowing for change, and surrendering is a powerful (and seemingly challenging) place to be.

Empowering Yourself in Pregnancy

There are so many things that I didn’t do during my first pregnancy due to stubbornness and resistance. It took almost 3 years and a lot of work, conversations, prayers, tears, and the unconditional love and light that Lincoln brings into my life that helped me soften into my role as a mom. Plus I learned that with resistance I only get more resistance and ultimately struggle and unhappiness. I also was desperately trying to cling onto an identity  that it was time for me to graduate from, and resisted the opportunity to let my self be reborn and recreated through the birthing of a child. (Sorry to everyone in my life who I made things more complicated for during this process. Thank you for standing with me and loving me anyway. )

Anyway…this post is about how to empower yourself in your pregnancy and to make things easier and more pleasant for this part of the journey. These are things I wish I would have considered and spent my money on instead of being a grouchy pregnant lady and they have supported me in this pregnancy and I want YOU to know about them.

A pregnancy pillow . And maybe even if you’re not pregnant you should get one. Literally one of the greatest things I’ve ever bought. Due to some consistent discomfort I’ve had in my pelvis this time around, this has made sleeping much better. Especially at the end. Also great if your partner doesn’t like snuggling (or complains it’s too hot to snuggle with you longer than 3 minutes) or if you need something to snuggle with.

A chiropractor that specializes in prenatal care. See the aforementioned pelvic pain. Going to see a chiropractor regularly has supported me in that experience and has also helped me keep my posture neutral as my body shifts around and grows what I can only imagine will be a linebacker. My belief also is that so much of postpartum healing (think diastasis and pelvic floor issues) start during pregnancy with the way you carry your body.

Maternity clothes. (I’m not linking this because there are literally thousands of options). This may be a little different from the first time because my body grew differently the second pregnancy. (read faster, and bigger). At this point I have a limited selection of what I can wear in my closet (where as last time I lived in yoga pants and those stretched with me). And I’m grateful for the few cute pieces I have! Find piece you like and make you feel good. Thankfully we are out of the decade of 80’s maternity wear where the only options were giant bags with sleeves and large lacy collars. Since it’s summer most of the year here in Houston, dresses have been my favorite go to option, and allow me to be super comfortable.

Body Oil. Alright so this is a repeat from the first time. The practice of abhyanga is something I practiced in my first pregnancy and on and off for the last few years. It’s a sweet way that I take care of my physical surface, and I rub oil on my belly (and other parts) every day. It’s a reminder to what I’m creating and taking care of everyday. While oil might seem like it would be too oily, it actually absorbs better into your skin than lotion so there isn’t the leftover just sitting on top of your skin. I like doing this after a bath or shower when my skin is still damp. Coconut oil is also another good option, and because of it’s properties tends to trap heat in your body more, which for me in this pregnancy and in Houston, isn’t ideal until the week we have winter.

After birth support. It seems like there is a lot of stuff about what to do before the baby comes, during labor and delivery, and even what to expect with your baby once she/he arrives. There isn’t a lot (or a lot of women in America) practicing extensive self care post baby. This book is incredible, and while I’m not following it word for word, it’s giving me the support and permission I need to let my body go through the healing process after baby arrives.

Asking for support. (also no link of this one). I over estimated my energy capacity in my first pregnancy. I wound up sick a lot. (I think I had a cold every 6 weeks or so). I was exhausted and wasn’t able to do a lot of the work I wanted to do to get my nest ready for baby bird. This time, I allowed myself to be taken care of by my husband, family, and community in a different way. I didn’t over commit myself and erred on the side of doing less rather than doing more. My energy has been much more steady and consistent, and I’ve had far less emotional breakdowns. This is probably a good practice generally, even if you aren’t pregnant.

Movement. This could be anything. I don’t recommend signing up for any new high impact activities, and keeping your range of movement and your body moving is good for you and baby. Good for blood flow, good for hormones, good for your mental state.

I hope this supports you in someway in your pregnancy, or helps you support somebody else in theirs. Remember each is different so listen to your body and give yourself what you need!

Power of Changing a Conversation

There are so many things I would like to see happen differently for women who are pregnant, women who have given birth, and women who want to have babies. A majority of it lives within the language we speak and the language we tolerate from others. As all things are generated from language first, this will be the first step before we can do anything differently in the world (policies, laws, etc).

One incorrect belief that I find that we hold unitedly is the belief that women’s bodies are downgraded after pregnancy and birth, and that because of that, there is a body to recover, or to get back. This is a belief that I would like to see eradicated by the time I leave this planet. So I’m starting here, to offer another point of view through language, and will continue to encourage people to change their minds.

Here’s what I believe to be true:
1. Just like any other intensely physical experience I’ve had in my life (a yoga practice, discovering new strength I didn’t know existed), my birth served as this amazing (painful, yes) experience that demonstrated the power that my physical body holds. Because I chose to have a medicated free birth, the work, (and yes pain)was handled all by my body. While I was glad that I had a team there to support me, especially at the end, my body knew exactly what it was doing and my mind was the one catching up. ( I recognize that this isn’t the case for everyone who experiences birth, and that there are complications that arise during this process. Yay for modern medicine)

2. Being pregnant again and having a 3 year old has taught me that I don’t have to think about making a baby for my body to make one. It innately knows how to make one,and I don’t have to block off hours of my day to concentrate on making lungs, or fingernails, or a spine for another person. This is incredible. How is this amazing process worthy of a downgrade?

3. Women’s bodies are also capable of not only growing a baby for 9 months, but then continuing to grow a baby once it’s in the world. Babies can be sustained for a long time on the milk that is produced through a woman’s body, without anything added. This milk not only provides nourishment to help a babe grow, it also serves as a way to keep the babe healthy through antibodies from the mama. (also have you read any of the studies that they are doing that women’s milk is the new cure for cancer?! Amazing to say the least). (*also, I recognize that this isn’t the experience or desire of every woman out there)

4. Women are literally the reason that the human race continues to exist. The process of becoming a mom is challenging: physically, emotionally, and mentally. Getting pregnant can be hard, and they don’t always go as planned. And then for some reason we agreed to the idea that women’s bodies need to go BACK to something. Yes, there is strength to be regained, and a new body exists that women can choose how they want to create it.

5. Nobody in my life has loved me less because I have stretch marks and cellulite. My body doesn’t work any less powerfully because of these things either. Nothing in my life has been profoundly impacted by any of this. What has profoundly impacted my life, my body, and my mind, is knowing and OWNING what my body is capable of through the growing and birthing of a child. I have learned what I am capable of physically, and what I can do, and also through this experience learned the reverence of rest and taking care of my body. Some of both practices were missing before.

So let’s start a new conversation, and use new words. Instead of on insisting that we go back, can we create brand new and even better than before as we stand in our power as women and creators of life?

Where has the discipline gone?

Don’t worry. This isn’t a blog post about spanking kids or putting them in time out.

This is about you. And that we as parents are possibly disciplining the wrong people.

Imagine that you have taken a brand new job, that has a completely different set of rules than your last job, that your boss literally told you when/how to do every part of your job, and you were responsible for anything that they didn’t tell you to do, and they were doing it all in a different language. While this example may be a little extreme, it seems like something similar to what children experience. Before you shut down your computer in a huff, hear me out.

Children have very few options in everyday life. They are told what to do, how to do it, where to go, and all the while trying to understand with whatever limited cognitive skills they have to process what they’re being told. They are taken places that are not always appropriate for their level of attention, (read: restaurants for a long dinner with you and your friends, or even a long dinner over the holidays), and then expected to behave a certain way once they are there. As adults, we have more choice in the places we choose to go, or the things we do, and for the most part children do not, and are expected to still behave in a certain way once they are there. If you were overly exhausted/emotional/uninterested in a certain gathering, as an adult you could choose not to attend and do something else with your time and your energy and save yourself (and the public) from whatever mood you might be in. Children on the other hand are usually taken anyway, and while they have much less self control, or the ability to choose something else, they are expected to behave a certain way.

Please somebody explain this to me because it seems absolutely insane.

Furthermore, when children don’t get their own way, or want something and don’t get it, they get upset. Have you ever been upset by something you didn’t get that was really important to you? Sure, another toy from the store may not be important to you as the adult, and it could be to your child.

The point of all of this is to say that as the adults, as the ones who have been here the longest, who seemingly know more, are the ones who should be responsible for our own discipline, as well as what it is that we expose our children to that is not appropriate for them at the time. When you get upset, remember that you are teaching things all the times to your child-if you discipline your child for getting upset when something happens that they don’t like, do you in turn do that for yourself? Can we add in more compassion for our children who are literally JUST learning things about how to be on the planet, and even if there wasn’t a lot of grace bestowed upon us as we were growing up and learning, doesn’t mean we need to be stingy with it now. Take the time to teach the things that are important and be gracious with them as they learn, just as you would want somebody to be gracious with you as you learn a new skill, and remember that your kids do not have the same priorities, brain development, or ideas as you. So when things fall apart, or your child doesn’t behave the way you want them to in a certain moment, remember that YOU taking responsibility will have a far greater impact on you and them, than you getting upset with them. That is the discipline of responsibility that we get to carry and practice as parents.

Where could a shift in taking responsibility give a whole new perspective and atmosphere to you as a parent and in your family?

Lay down, and just lay down

Do you remember in one of my previous posts, when I talked about feeling hesitant in my first pregnancy about who I would become and how people would view me once I had a baby? There is a new kind of competitiveness that we have as females to outdo each other in our jobs, families, children, etc. While there may be some good side effects from this, it is mostly ego driven and essentially provides nothing in the long run, especially for our wholeness.

When I would dream or plan about my life when I was younger, and dreamt of having babies, I rarely thought of the time period immediately following birth. It was until my midwife explained and highly encouraged that I take the first two weeks following birth to rest and essentially stay in bed. It seemed like a great idea and went against the grit of what I had unknowingly planned on doing, which was getting “back” to my life. In her adaptation from the ancient Chinese practice of sitting the month, she recommended 15 days of absolute rest: no chores, no moving, no exercising, lots of baby bonding time, and lots of sleep. The reasons being that the postpartum body is still in recovery (even longer than those 15 days, and even longer still than the 6 weeks the doctor tells you to refrain from sex and exercise), the organs have massively shifted around, and while you may be mentally ready to “get back to it”, your body needs more time to heal. After undergoing one of the most challenging physical experiences of a drug free birth, and experience all of the intensity that it brought physically and the intensity of being so overwhelmed with love, the best thing for me to do was rest. It allowed for immediate bonding with Lincoln, allowed my body to heal and rest, and for my insides to recover. I think sometimes we have a disconnection from what’s happening inside our bodies because we can’t see it actually happening. 

If the thought of resting gives you some kind of anxiety, remember that there isn’t anything more important than taking care of  your body after it’s done some thing so incredible, especially not getting back in shape or proving that you can get back out there fastest and first. Those actions will most likely leave you with some unfortunate side effects emotionally, mentally, and physically (can you say no pelvic floor recovery). And there is nothing more important than bonding with your baby in those first few weeks, so you can learn everything about them: every sound and every movement.

Here’s how to be successful in this process if you’ve never done it before:
1. Ask for help. Yes this principle shows up again. Practice it often if you’re going to be successful as a parent/human being. Ask for help with food prep, house cleaning, and even for company as you need or want it. Schedule people in your life who are going to come see you anyway to bring you food. Clear communication about what you want and what you need will always make things easier.
2. Be clear that you aren’t entertaining people. If people are coming to visit, they should be contributing to your family in some way. This is not an opportunity for people to drop by and hang out for long periods of time. Feel free to tell people to go home if they have overstayed their welcome.
3.  Enjoy the time you have to rest with your precious new baby! Sleep as much as possible (your body recovers best when it is sleeping/resting) and remember that anything else other than sleeping, bonding with your baby, and eating are not necessary at this point.
4. Continue to give up the idea that you should be doing something and that you are lazy/not doing enough because you are resting. Remember that your body just worked really hard for 9 months and still is to provide nutrition for your baby.
5. Be willing to face criticism from people who don’t understand what you’re doing. Remember you’ll want to be able to have full control of your pelvic floor when you’re 60 and that’s part of the reason you’re doing this-to take care of you, not to take care of other people’s expectations of you.
6. Plan to eat well. This doesn’t mean eating everything you weren’t able to eat during pregnancy (although I’m looking forward to a donut or 12 in my postpartum recovery), it does mean eating nourishing foods that provide vitamins and things to heal your systems.

I know that this list could possibly be longer, and I will update it once I have an idea of how to do this with an older child and all of the above things still apply. And include your older child in your rest and recovery. Make sure they get some sweet snuggle time with you as well during this period. Part of asking for help will be to make sure that they have somebody to tend and entertain them in those first few weeks ( a spouse or grandparent is a great idea for this), so they don’t feel completely left out of the new family dynamic.

What do you think about this? Would you give this a chance in your recovery or would you recommend it to a friend in their recovery?